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227W-Who Says Church Can't be Funny?

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2006 Release).
1. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
2. The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
3. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
4. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
5. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
6. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM prayer and medication to follow.
7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
8. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
9. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
10. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
11. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
12. Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help.
13. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
14. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
15. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
19. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
24. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge Up Yours".

203W-Reasons Not to Mess with Children

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
(2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without looking up from her drawing the girl replied "they will in a minute."
(3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill."
(4) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor'."A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
(5) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
(6) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

70W-The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice! The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."

103W-The Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said to John, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. Just as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'